I prefer the first one, too. I was especially sad that you cut out the last sentences of the first and second paragraph :-(
I saw a great plaque once, that was something like this (stolen from here (http://www.aswedeingermany.de/50LanguageAndWriting/50OnLackOfBrevity.html): Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
Edited down with red pen to this: Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unneeded words, a paragraph no unneeded sentences, like a drawing should lack unneeded lines and a machine unneeded parts. Not all sentences need be short, nor all detail avoided and subjects only outlined, but every word must tell.
I thought it was really evocative. On the other hand, as the website shows, there's such a thing as editing to much. They end up editing the above paragraph all the way down to "Omit needless words." I think it loses quite a bit in the process.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2011-02-10 09:20 pm (UTC)I saw a great plaque once, that was something like this (stolen from here (http://www.aswedeingermany.de/50LanguageAndWriting/50OnLackOfBrevity.html):
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
Edited down with red pen to this:
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unneeded words, a paragraph no unneeded sentences, like a drawing should lack unneeded lines and a machine unneeded parts. Not all sentences need be short, nor all detail avoided and subjects only outlined, but every word must tell.
I thought it was really evocative. On the other hand, as the website shows, there's such a thing as editing to much. They end up editing the above paragraph all the way down to "Omit needless words." I think it loses quite a bit in the process.