A Lesson on Brevity
Feb. 10th, 2011 09:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annissamazingI just wanted to post my College Writing assignment from last night. We wrote 300 word stories, then we were asked to edit them down to 200 words. We were asked to write about kites.
Original story:
The little girl excitedly walked home from school with a kite. It had been that week’s art project and she was excited to try it out on the first windy day. It was cut from fuchsia tissue paper into the shape of a fish, details outlined with magic marker and colored in with pastels. A cardboard collar held the mouth open to allow air to flow through the center. Long streamers off the back resembling fins were supposed to lend stability to it as it flew. As she walked, she held the kite away from her, allowing the wind to catch the kite and pull it as far as the very short string would allow.
The windy day arrived that weekend. She carefully tied the strings to the paper kite and took it outside to try it out. She held the kite away from her and gave it some slack. The wind picked it up for a couple of seconds then promptly let it fall to the earth. She picked it up and tried again and yet the kite refused to stay in the air. She held it close and took off at a run. As long as the kite was close to her, it stayed in the air. The more freedom she gave it, the lower it flew until it dragged behind her.
She picked the kite up from the road and inspected the damage. Creases where there had been no creases before and a tear in the tailfin were easily repaired, but it was evident this kite wasn’t meant to fly. She swallowed her disappointment, removed the strings and took the kite back inside.
Maybe fish weren’t meant to fly. Perhaps she would recommend to her art teacher to make birds next time. That would make more sense.
Edited down to 200 words:
The girl walked home from school with a kite that had been that week’s art project. It was cut from fuchsia tissue paper into the shape of a fish and colored with pastels. A cardboard collar held the mouth open to allow air to flow through the center. Long streamers off the back resembling fins were supposed to lend stability to it as it flew. When the first windy arrived, she took it outside to try it out. She held the kite away from her and let the wind pick it up. It fell to the earth almost immediately. She picked it up and tried again and yet the kite refused to stay in the air. She tried running with it, but the kite still dragged on the ground.
She picked up the kite and inspected the damage. Creases where there had been no creases before and a tear in the tailfin were easily repaired, but it was evident this kite wasn’t meant to fly. She sadly removed the strings and took the kite back inside.
Maybe fish weren’t meant to fly. Perhaps she would recommend to her art teacher to make birds next time. That would make more sense.
I just thought it was an interesting exercise. I think I prefer the original, though.
Original story:
The little girl excitedly walked home from school with a kite. It had been that week’s art project and she was excited to try it out on the first windy day. It was cut from fuchsia tissue paper into the shape of a fish, details outlined with magic marker and colored in with pastels. A cardboard collar held the mouth open to allow air to flow through the center. Long streamers off the back resembling fins were supposed to lend stability to it as it flew. As she walked, she held the kite away from her, allowing the wind to catch the kite and pull it as far as the very short string would allow.
The windy day arrived that weekend. She carefully tied the strings to the paper kite and took it outside to try it out. She held the kite away from her and gave it some slack. The wind picked it up for a couple of seconds then promptly let it fall to the earth. She picked it up and tried again and yet the kite refused to stay in the air. She held it close and took off at a run. As long as the kite was close to her, it stayed in the air. The more freedom she gave it, the lower it flew until it dragged behind her.
She picked the kite up from the road and inspected the damage. Creases where there had been no creases before and a tear in the tailfin were easily repaired, but it was evident this kite wasn’t meant to fly. She swallowed her disappointment, removed the strings and took the kite back inside.
Maybe fish weren’t meant to fly. Perhaps she would recommend to her art teacher to make birds next time. That would make more sense.
Edited down to 200 words:
The girl walked home from school with a kite that had been that week’s art project. It was cut from fuchsia tissue paper into the shape of a fish and colored with pastels. A cardboard collar held the mouth open to allow air to flow through the center. Long streamers off the back resembling fins were supposed to lend stability to it as it flew. When the first windy arrived, she took it outside to try it out. She held the kite away from her and let the wind pick it up. It fell to the earth almost immediately. She picked it up and tried again and yet the kite refused to stay in the air. She tried running with it, but the kite still dragged on the ground.
She picked up the kite and inspected the damage. Creases where there had been no creases before and a tear in the tailfin were easily repaired, but it was evident this kite wasn’t meant to fly. She sadly removed the strings and took the kite back inside.
Maybe fish weren’t meant to fly. Perhaps she would recommend to her art teacher to make birds next time. That would make more sense.
I just thought it was an interesting exercise. I think I prefer the original, though.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-10 09:20 pm (UTC)I saw a great plaque once, that was something like this (stolen from here (http://www.aswedeingermany.de/50LanguageAndWriting/50OnLackOfBrevity.html):
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
Edited down with red pen to this:
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unneeded words, a paragraph no unneeded sentences, like a drawing should lack unneeded lines and a machine unneeded parts. Not all sentences need be short, nor all detail avoided and subjects only outlined, but every word must tell.
I thought it was really evocative. On the other hand, as the website shows, there's such a thing as editing to much. They end up editing the above paragraph all the way down to "Omit needless words." I think it loses quite a bit in the process.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 03:46 am (UTC)(I'm practicing brevity here. It's hard.)